I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
