She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
