oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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