When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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