Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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