WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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