The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
