First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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