U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
