Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
