listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
