I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
