Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
