The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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