Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
