He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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