my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
