my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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