I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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