Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
