ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
