You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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