And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
