just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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