You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
