Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
