I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
