Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
