I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
BRING THE BAGELS
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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