I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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