So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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