Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
