if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
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drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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