member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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