Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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