Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Randomize
