You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
