I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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