Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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