we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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