So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
