I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
