I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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