We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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