I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think i got beer on your cat.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
