i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
