i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
