Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
