Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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