Define "chronic" masturbator.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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