fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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