It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
