He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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