So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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