I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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