From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
this boner is exhausting
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
