I'm going to jail i love you
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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